2014 Pulitzer Prize Winner

Chiellini is a wimp like every other soccer player

Published: June 25, 2014, 3:44 pm, by interns

By Rick Cookson

For the past few days, all I’ve been hearing about regarding the realm of soccer and the World Cup is how this Luis Suarez guy gnawed his way into Italian defender, Giorgio Chiellini’s shoulder.

Everyone is making such a big deal about it, but they’re missing the real point. Clickhole, a viral-content spinoff site from the Onion, recently joked about the incident saying that Suarez was quoted saying:

“Look, there’s no rule in soccer against biting your opponent. There’s not even a rule against eating your opponent. The only rule in soccer is that you can’t use your hands.”

As truthful as that actually is, it’s still missing the main idea. There’s one rule in soccer that everyone is overlooking: the rule that you have to be a complete and utter wimp about everything.

From my observations, it seems like the rule goes like this - anytime you come in contact with someone, you have to fall over with as much dramatic effect as possible, and cry like a child on the field. Actually, it’s not even anytime a player comes in contact with another player. The unspoken rule is more like - fall as many times as you can per season, and be as whiny and melodramatic about it as possible.

But back to the whole ‘Suarez eats Chiellini’ (possible title for Olive Garden commercial) debacle - Chiellini is holding strong to the rules of soccer. Both players are, actually. I think the real problem here is not the lack of rules against cannibalism. Rather, the problem is that every player acts like a six-year old when it comes to pain.

I’ll be honest, I’m not a sports guy. But I am someone who can recognize a crybaby, and every player in the World Cup has received my recognition.